10/28/2012

Life ain't easy.  But you gotta keep on moving on.  I got no support from anybody.  It seems like the worlds against me sometimes.  No friends, no family, nothing.  Just me.  I'm not saying it's the worst thing in the world.  God blessed me with many gifts but it's hard to use them when you got not support.  So I guess I don't need any of that anyway.  I can do it on my own.  It's how I've been doing it for the last four years.  Well, I wasn't entirely alone, but I never had that constant support.  Every once in a while I get that boost from someone.  Sometimes from mom, dad or a coach.  Occassionally from a person I know.  I don't say friend because I'm not quite sure what that it.  I would say the closest thing I've had to a friend in 4 years would be Nate, but even that's on again, off again friendship.  I've learned to deal with this loneliness, but ocassionally it still hurts.  I wonder what the future holds for me now. 

I'm only going to be writing on this blog once a week.  Doing this every night just seems like a waste of my time.  I've got things I need to do, things to improve about myself so that someday I can be successful.  I want to play football at Wisconsin.  I want to inspire people because of it.  But most of all, I think that is the best way for me to get my voice out there.  I know I'm atheltic, I know I can work hard.  I just need the discipline to stay consistant.  I remember drinking at this guys house back when I was a Senior in high school and this one kid, who was the brother of Abby Bialk said this to me.  "You were a great athlete, something special", or something along those lines.  I don't know why that's stuck with me all these years.  I never even talked to that kid but I know he was on the State championship football team.  I looked up to the older kids in high school.  I put them on a pedestal for some reason, like I do with most people older than me, other than teachers and most authority figures.  But these older kids in high school weren't authority figures.  They were just older people without authority of me, which I could respect because they didn't care if they had authority.  Not all kids older than me were nice though.  I remember this one kid in my film class when I was a sophmore in high school would always pick on me.  For no apparent reason.  I'm blanking on the name right now, but it seems like ever since that kid started calling me names, even pushing me, tackling me, I've lost my confidence.  I know I shouldn't let other people bring me down, but in the end, we all want to be liked.  We all want to be accepted and we all want to fit in.  It seems like ever since than, I've had social anxiety.  Always shying away from people I didn't know because worried that they wouldn't like me.  I'm starting to not give a shit anymore what people think, or at least Im trying to tell myself that. 

Wednesday is my birthday, and once again I'll be on my own.  Fall is still my favorite time of the year, but it just seems to get more depressing year after year.  But I keep marching on.  Cuz I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm gonna at least try to be successful.  I"m no the kind of guy that's going to give up and kill himself.  Not until I'm 30 at least.   I feel like that's the cutoff.  If I"m not successful by than, BOOM.  But I'm confident that I can do it.  It feels like the whole worlds against me except GOD, but that probably isn't the case.  But it still feels like it.  I'm going to start working out this week again.  Start keeping records, start improving myself step by step.  I want to play guitar, piano, read books, get stronger, and hopefully along the way, make some friends.  I know I can do it.  I know I can do it.

I decided to start this blog to keep a record of my life.  Something that I can look back at and learn from, both for myself and others.  I plan on keeping it raw, real, and tell nothing but the truth.  Why now?  Well, it's been one week since I last got high from synthetic marijuana.  I had been on a three week bender that cost me my painting job, my grades at school, and all my money.  I'm currently about 3 grand in debt and realize it's time to start living a more disciplined life.  I still plan on smoking weed, because that is something that helps me be more social, and I need to work on that. Weed has never been a problem in my life.  Ive moved pounds of shwag when I was in high school and even having ounces hidden under my bed, I never felt the urge to smoke it all the time like I have with this synthetic stuff.  Apparently I'm not the only one since there were days where I had to wait for Atomic Glass to open up in the morning and there were lines of people out the door trying to get their fix on this stuff.  I can't believe this stuff is legal but weed, a non-addictive substance in my opinion, gets you arrested.  The same goes for alcohol.  I love drinking with friends, but they and I know I have no self control when it comes to this stuff.  I plan on switching to just beer as I don't seem to black out on that.  When it comes to hard liquor, I get shit-faced everytime and end up blacking out, making a fool out of myself.  So in conclusion of this first post, I'm writing this keep a record, track my progress, and hopefully inspire others to do the same.  Because that is what I really want to do, inspire people and make this world united.  Not through government, but through eachother.  I hope to post something everyday, everything from pictures of myself to videos I find inspiring or funny or whatever.  Just posting things that I think about, good, bad, and ugly.